We’re going low-carb for the season. I decided that a Podnas BBQ Podtato was a viable strategy as long as I avoided consuming the actual potato. I figured if I stayed in topping territory i’d golden, Ponyboy.
I ordered my lunch at the drive thru and asked the young man to omit the green onions. I am breathing near people with noses after all. I put in a solid 10 minutes waiting when the drive-thru window cracked open and the gentleman requested payment. I paid, thanked the chopper and spun off.
Back at work, I unloaded the podtato, opened the styrofoam treasure chest and was instantly confronted by a sickening sight: neon red faux bacon bits intermarried with shreds of cheddar cheese. Throngs of Bacos shamelessly masquerading up in amongst my other honest ingredients. Real beef, actual cheese and sour cream with “made with milk” warnings for idiots who eat green bananas.
These little posers at pork fat bring to mind the square of lunch tray lettuce doused in watery ranch dressing. Once you consumed a single Baco it greedily begged for gastric freedom manifesting in nasty belches. They remain abhorrent. Really, how have bacon-flavored soy bits not experienced an improved incarnation? We drank Tab only until Diet Coke helped us see the light. Sadly, despite the fantastical progress made in the food industry in the past 40 years, Baco’s remain precisely the same.
The greater offense than just how nasty those faux bacon bits taste is the fact that a BAR-B-QUE joint tried to get away with sprinkling a meat substitute on my potato like it’s a salad shop in South Beach rather than a Shreveport Bar-B-Que restaurant. I mean, know your audience.
Sprinkling Bacos on my podtato was like getting a Tiffany’s necklace for Christmas wrapped in a used Merle Haggard CD Case. Which Jack may have done for a girlfriend along the way. Man was it hysterical…to him. Who knew it was the beginning of the end? This lunch was the moral equivalent of smothering a bowl of Blue Bell ice cream with sugar free chocolate sauce.
So, Podnas- I am imploring you in the name of ethical Podtato production to drop the Bacos. No one is fooled. No one is amused. We are far too busy belching.