Dear Maggie Lee:

Oh, ML, it’s that time of year again when the distant rear view mirror of loss turns into a compact in our hands.

The 15th anniversary of the church bus accident that divided us from you. Memories both light and dark like swirl art blended; both joy and devastation.

How could something so grave result in brightest grace in other people? How could a moment so unthinkable prompt such thoughtful kindness human souls?

How is your singular teeny, tiny life so ripple-ish? One little note reverberating longer in absentia than your 12 years on earth?

God’s economy is a mystery. God is complete mystery and anyone who claims certainty about why things happen is just shooting in the dark.

We’re all shooting in the dark for that matter.

But God is light. And you know this all too well.

Each day I consider your view from the other side of the clouds. I am jealous that your faith is sight because I see through glass darkly down here no matter how I squint.

Peace is born of faith and we are simply not privy to some information. Often I consider that even if I had the plan it would not change the plan.

I ponder what all you’ve got going on in eternity. Just spit balling here but I imagine you dragging Ellie everywhere while trying to high-five someone completely inappropriately but it’s Heaven so they’re totally down with it and don’t leave you hanging. (St. Peter perhaps?)

I thank you for the joy of being your mom. How I was ever entrusted with you I will never, ever, ever understand. I pray and fully believe that you’ll see these little people get their school uniforms at Khaki Fair in two weeks and be totally pumped about it. I have to trust that you’re allowed that view.

I pray that I have in some small measure stewarded your message of God’s love in the world.